Tuesday, September 30, 2008

tired eyes

Haven't posted in a while. It's partially due to the fact that I know of only three people who read this and doubt there are any I don't know of, but mostly because I've been godawful busy. There are a lot of things going on.

The most obvious one is school. I am fine with the day-to-day semi-pointless nature of working 9-5, and for the time being, while I have certain squabbles about my job and my paychecks, I am fairly happy with it, and have no problems whatsoever going through the motions. Classes, however, are another matter. I have only general education classes to finish up now (history, science, math, etc.), and it is rather hard to... well, do them at all. I am so entirely burnt out with school, and so utterly hateful of my program, the near-$100k debt I owe for it and the incredibly inadequate professors I have had in major and non-major classes alike, that it is hard to simply go to them, let alone do the work for them (it doesn't help that the work for them does not apply to me or my program in the least). I realize that part of college is simply getting through it, showing that discipline and everything, but it is so overtly pointless at this late stage in the game that it's hard to keep up the lie that I not only realize but also accept that as fact.

Home life has been shaky at best. I am not comfortable in the suburbs, there is nothing there and I only have a few friends, so when I'm not out with them I'm either A) at work/class all day or B) at home feeling horrible. Weeknights aren't bad, since I'm only there a few hours, but weekends are hell. It seems that life slows to a stop, and after a full Saturday or Sunday of being at home, it is hard to even care enough to go out and see my friends should they call me later on in the night. It probably seems silly to somebody who does not understand that funk you can get into, but it is harder than it probably sounds to deal with.

My mom is in the hospital for her crazyass cancer treatment. Something about them taking her stem cells, giving her intense concentrated radiation, and after six weeks in isolation giving her her stem cells back to essentially save her from the radiation. They say it isn't that much more risky than the standard kemo she's been doing for a while now, but I'm not entirely sure I buy that (note the part where her immune system is quite literally nonexistent for a month and a half). I suppose I could be doing worse, it "helps" that we've been dealing with this cancer thing for a while now. The harder part is that my sister and I aren't allowed to go in and see her, since we're both on college campuses with god knows how many germs and infections crawling around on us. Even my dad seeing her is borderline (though they're letting him a couple times a week it looks like) since he's around us so much. I feel bad in a way that it isn't tearing me up more than it is, but it still isn't exactly easy to deal with. The house is even more empty and depressing for the time being.

I came back from work a few days ago to an empty dark house (a couple days before my mom went in). There was no reason for me to feel this, since everybody was simply out at the hospital, class or work, and I knew that, but somewhere in the back of my head the thought flashed by that maybe the house is dark and empty since everybody is at the hospital because things with my mom took a turn for the worse. It wasn't the case, and logically I knew it wouldn't be, but the fact that the thought came to me is sort of telling of the place I'm at right now. Previously, my mom had cancer, whatever, I'd even joke about it now and then in the years where it was seemingly "gone," but now it's like, fuck man, my mom has cancer. The kind that kills you. It doesn't mesh with my apathetic/sarcastic (but secretly caring) approach to life.

The selfish part of all this is that I can't move out. I hate living at home. It isn't even my home, it's my family's house, my home is in Lincoln Park, my home is the DePaul campus and the surrounding area. Every time I drive past the old apartment I get a good twang on my heartstrings. The bulk (of the remainder) of my social life is there, and I'm just sort of... in my element there. I feel awkward and out of place in the spacious, drawn-out, artificially laid-back suburbs. I also just hate the house, it's a little too big and spacious and empty and artificially laid-back itself. It's cheaper this way, but I've been driving lately so it's not a ton cheaper anymore, and I really can't force myself back onto the Metra/CTA since it's so much nicer to live by your own pace after four years of public transit. I wanted to move back into the city, I really really wanted to, or even just to someplace else in the suburbs as to have my own place, but it isn't really a possibility now, since stuff needs to function at the house and the main functioner...person isn't around for a while.

I'm a little bit behind in classes already, which is far more stressful than it should be. Money problems are looming, I probably will have to actually stop driving since it's so damn pricy, and  that debt is terrifying. The job is way more stressful than it should be. I can't sleep. Sometimes it's hard to find joy in movies or games or any other hobbies of mine. The main "good thing" I have to look forward to right now is the Blackhawks season, but I keep getting reminded that many of the people I loved to go to games with are gone.

Through all this, I'm trying, I'm really trying, to get some writing done, but with everything spiraling out of control lately it is really hard. I've found a number of good influcences lately, movies that make me go "that is the feel I'm going for," music that makes me say "that's the mood I'm going for," just little things here and there in life that my head picks out. I've started writing all of these down, and I have two pages of influences/inspirations so far. In theory, they'll be helpful for getting me in the correct mood for writing, to get the juices flowing, but right now it's hard to even sit down in the first place.

Plus the one I was working on to finish for class has almost entirely fallen out of my focus, and this other thing I've been sitting on for years is starting to come together in my head, and I really want to just write that... but I have to push through the BS school script first. That's another big block, come to think of it.

Anyway. More later.

P.S.: The fact that all upcoming Pixar films are being released "theatrically and in Disney Digital 3-D" is terrifying. If they're standard films also released in 3D, then fine, whatever, but if they're made with 3D in mind and then "squished" into a 2D screen for those who choose to see it without the gimmick... not cool.

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