Wednesday, July 30, 2008

if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisified

I refuse to accept "blogosphere" as a real word.


Things have been... hellishly slow. Hellish, since work has been just that, somehow getting more and more stressful every day, and slow, because nothing has actually happened in the last couple months of my life except going to work.

The time I'm not at work isn't too hot. I have nothing against the idea of living with my family, but it is downright horrible. I sit around for the five or so hours between getting home and going to bed, pacing around the house, watching TV for a minute and remembering I hate TV, playing PS3 but inevitably getting kicked off by family members wanting to use the TV, being hounded by everybody since I've been gone for so long. I can't even sleep in the damn place, since I wake up yelling in my own bed every fucking night (I am starting to wonder if this is due to bugs being on me when I'm asleep, since that happened a few times at the apt and at home too, maybe my brain has been conditioned to freak out and assume it's bugs since it's happened for real before? Why is this in parenthesis?). The alternative is the sofa downstairs, which doesn't work because of the dogs, the new one always wants to hop up which makes it impossible to sleep. I may relocate to a cot in the hallway tonight, since I can't deal with another night of little-to-no sleep.

Living with friends was better. Even if there was nothing going on, you were still essentially hanging out with friends, but permanently (though that feeling is based entirely on whether or not you learn to hate your friends upon moving in, which for the most part wasn't a problem, thankfully). I already didn't like living at home, but those four years away from that made all the things I hated about it even more apparent than they already were, so it's rather hard to come back to it again.

There is a video I'm doing for DePaul that I'm in the planning stages with, an introductory video for the (unfortunately named) Genius Squad, that would be shown to students and whatnot, and while it's cool that it's an "officialy" thing and could go on a resume, it's hard to necessarily enjoy, because it's really just work thrown onto the huge pile of work I already have. I've accomplished hardly anything else creative lately. That's not to say that I have nothing on my mind, though.

I have countless ideas in my head for things I want to do with both my little free time and my life. I've been thinking about my script from class a lot, and I've started writing down a story that's been brewing in my head since the third grade. I have a fairly solid idea for a short / music video I'd like to do, but I don't really have the means or the manpower to make it and have it be halfway decent. There are at least three ideas I have for animations, but I don't know if I will ever follow through with them, simply because I LOATHE the idea of spending a ton of time on an animation, only to get to spend a few days straight scanning them into a computer... you could call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose, but I know I don't have the patience for it. I've written a few movie reviews, though I doubt I'll ever post them anywhere. I have an idea for a comic I've been sitting on for years but I still lack the artistic anything to make it. There is something I've written a bit of that turned into a short story of sorts that I could probably run with.

I have tons of stuff swirling in my head at any given time. Almost nothing successfully gets down onto paper, though, because of work. Every time I wake up, ready to tackle the day and saying to myself "Today is the day I write at work all day," it is quickly smashed down by the increasing stress and workload that comes with my (three) IS jobs. I have a mounting student loan debt that I'll get to start paying soon enough, and I can't really get away with not working all the freaking time. The bulk of my now-graduated friends (I hadn't realized just how many there were to be honest) aren't working right now and are currently looking for their actual career jobs, spending the bulk of their time chilling / winding down from that college thing, and I get the feeling that in their position it's a little easier to stretch your arms out and flex those creative muscles. I envy them.

In the hardest of times, I've tended to have movie releases as my major checkpoints in time. If I'm currently looking forward to Big Movie, there is at least something at the end of the tunnel, some sense of the future. Without anything to look forward to, the day-to-day grind of life can start to seem hopeless and ultimately pointless, not building towards anything. That's the rut I've fallen into this summer. I go to work, hate it, go home for the night, hate it, try to sleep, can't, go to work... that pretty much sums up my existence as of late, and it's real hard to keep my eye on the ball, to focus on creative things and to try to map out the road to Pixar, when the day-to-day reality of your situation is something that could take the wind out of even something that is... really good at, uh, holding wind. Sail is too cliche.

If this were a movie, this is the point where our young hero would run away from home, going someplace new and immersing himself in it, leaving his past entirely behind him. It's a thought that is occurring to me more and more. I hate to be all LiveJournal-like, but I really can't take this anymore. Having your entire life being split two things, work and home, and hating both of them to the point where you feel slightly ill most of the time, is the kind of thing that is hard on a guy.

I'll see if I can get some cheery crap on here someday (for the three of you potentially reading this).

Update, 5:17pm. Checked my timesheet for the last pay period (the two weeks prior to this one) out of curiosity, since we now have to manually clock in and out, and noticed that it is VASTLY underpaying me for last week, and somehow for two weeks ago, too, even though this system was only put into motion last week... wtf. Also, I forgot my Zune at the desk, which is why I'm back here posting again, and will be why I'm missing the 5:40 train >_<

Monday, July 14, 2008

attack the weak point for massive damage

The Microsoft E3 conference was a joke. Multiplatform games, sequels we don't care about, casual shit nobody cares about, and lots and lots of unnecessary bloom. Me and my boss were having a good laugh at it.

And then the megaton.

Final Fantasy is no longer a Sony exclusive.

This spells, well, doom for the PS3. See, FF was Sony's "flagship" exclusive series, if you will. Why did a lot of people go PS1? FFVII. Why did lots of people go PS2? FFX. Now there is one less reason to get the PS3 over the 360, and with this being such a huge title to do so, it's not hard to think that the rest of their exclusives will follow suit. However, there aren't really any exclusives anymore to follow suit... the only real big one is MGS4, but that's already done it's thing, and it's a known fact that it's more of a niche game and won't have the impact of Final "freaking" Fantasy XIII.

When I got the PS3, I had come to terms with the fact that the 360 was the superior multimedia device. The PS3 has Blu-Ray, sure, but the 360 has better media stream/playing abilities as far as files from the PC go, and it has a HUGE library of TV shows and movies, most in 1080p, to watch/rent on-demand. The online multiplayer, while subscription based, is also VASTLY superior on the 360, but I was okay with that, I have my PC for good multiplayer. As far as games go, I thought, they'll both be the same, except the PS3 has MGS4, and the 360 has a bunch of games that'll also come out on PC.

That is the part that is troubling. Now that Final Fantasy is gone, I don't think the PS3 will be able to catch up to the 360 in sales. For the most part, you would think that this wouldn't make a difference, since at least 90% of big games nowadays are multiplatform. The hitch is that nagging tendency for the PS3 version of a multiplatform game to be the inferior one, whether it be due to bugs, poor programming, being optimised for 360 and shoddily ported to PS3, bad online play... the list goes on. The FF thing troubles me, because if there are now even fewer reasons for people to go PS3, and the 360 will get a lot of newcomers now thanks to FF, why bother making the PS3 versions of multiplatform games stack up?

Sony is in a heap of trouble. In my mind, their last hope is to whip out something that has turned into a lost remnant of a past age... the possible trump card, known as the Original IP.

I don't know if it's likely, but a bit of me wants to hope that at their conference tomorrow, Sony will surprise us with an original IP, a killer-app that isn't a sequel.

A guy can hope, right?

jigsaw falling into place

There is an amazing difference in the state of Pete now versus just a month ago.

I don't want to turn this into a LiveJournal, but things have sort of come to a screeching halt lately. I've been back at home for a few weeks now, and still all I have unpacked is my clothes and the PS3 (or "the essentials," as many have rightly joked). I can't bring myself to unpack anything else. There are some practical reasons for this; my room is a mess, full of old stuff I don't care about but also don't want to throw out, and the basement is still only half-finished, the odd pile of lumber still laying around with boxes of stuff that should probably be thrown out.

The actual reasons for not having unpacked are more troubling. Part of it is because there's noplace I really want to put my stuff. I don't want the PC in the room, I don't want the PS3 and stuff to be on one floor, my PC on another in the basement or something, and my bed and clothes elsewhere - I guess this is the nature of living in a two-floor-plus-basement house, but after living in single-floor setups for years, it's kind of annoying. Bigger is the fact that I just don't like this place. I hate my room, the basement is big and cavernous and weird (and still not finished), and the first floor doesn't really have space for anything but my PS3 and DVDs, which I never even get to use since the TV is always in use during the evenings (after my parents go to bed I can use them but the volume has to be painfully quiet).

Maybe I just don't want to accept the fact that I once again live here. I don't have a problem living with my family, really, but this place, I hate it, it makes me uncomfortable. I liked going back downtown for a while, but my job has become so entirely stressful (my three jobs to be more specific) that the area I had grown so attached to is getting on my nerves, too, and I'm somewhere in the middle without anyplace I can feel comfortable in. It's not a good place to be.

I spent all of today in a cycle of sitting around, playing video games I have no interest in playing, going downstairs and trying to figure out how to set up stuff in the basement, seeing how it won't work out right now for various reasons, then remembering the reasons I didn't want my stuff in the basement in the first place, getting fidgety and depressed, going outside and doing a lap or two, wash, rince, cliche. For the whole goddamn day.

It would have been a bitch to live real far up or down on the red line, but I should have just found an apartment, or asked if one of the guys out here wanted to move in. In hindsight, that actually would have been a real good idea. Too late now.

Friday, July 11, 2008

"The guy said I shouldn't take Japanese till senior year."

One of the funny little things about Union Station I'll miss when I'm gone is the McDonald's. There isn't really a line, it's more a mass of people trying to either get to a cashier or fight their way back to the front to grab their food. The thing that makes it awesome is the fact that the cashiers literally yell "Hi may I help you?" over and over, waiting for somebody to come to them. It's like the seagulls in Finding Nemo. Once in a while two cashiers overlap each other so you get this strange stereo effect which is downright eerie.

I drove today, though, so I'm not sure why I bring that up.

They're doing advising sessions for incoming freshman in the two labs in front of me. The downside is that the profs in there come to me expecting me to alleviate them of all their computer issues, but I occasionally get into a good conversation with some of the freshmen when they're waiting around for their name to be called.

It's a strange feeling, being around for that. Four years ago I was in the same place, except I was shoved in to LA&S advising when I quite obviously was supposed to be at CTI. They went with it, though, and tried to wedge me into the history department. Right now there are pissed off students walking out, complaining about how their randomly assigned advisor either didn't know anything, or told them to not take a language their first year, or other ridiculous bullshit. It's nice to see that DePaul hasn't changed. They have a legacy of service to keep carrying down through the years.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

trying to pull myself away

I'm working at the depot Tu-Th, the "Genius Squad" desk W-F, and now lab tech on M, so I'm officially DePaul LPC IS's bitch. Not too thrilled, but money is money. Hopefully I can find less stressful money in the near future.

At work (depot) we come across many an old machine. The second I see a 4 or 5 year old Gateway, I shudder, since it usually is a big road sign saying "hours of waiting ahead." However, it's nice when once in a while you come across an ancient PC that boots fast and runs like a charm. When you deal with so much old shit on a daily basis, finding one that has been well-maintained is quite a treat.

After this nice PC I had earlier, though, we went right into three horrifically slow ones. You can tell the worst of the worst before even touching the mouse. The keyboard has an incredible amount of god-knows-what all over it. There's a desktop icon for Netscape Navigator. The resolution is 800x600 or lower. Best of all, there's the ancient ball mouse, which will inevitably add another ten minutes of fiddling around with the damn thing until you can click what you need to.

See those black things on the keyboard? They were all excessively sticky. The four or five times I had to hit "P" I wanted to puke.

One guy had an old HP box on a shelf. Looking at it, I thought of something somewhat random. You know how they always have people just kind of smiling on the boxes? How exactly do they get that job?

"You should buy this printer. Trust me. I'm wearing a lab coat."

Does somebody at HP walk up to them and go "Hey, you know what, you'd look good on a box"? For that matter, wouldn't that be slightly disheartening? You've never been approached to be a model or to be in a movie or anything, but oh man, you're perfect for this cardboard box.

You're so hot you'll be on the French side.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

define "dancing"

God damn, I love Wall-E. Might edit a review into this later on.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

if the world ended tomorrow
i'd want to go see you right away
be by my side and smile one more time

from the time we met
my heart has always, always been in pain
what do you call this unfamiliar feeling?

the night sky burns red
at the distorted horizon,
i want to quietly sing
my first and final melody for you alone

i stand in this crumbling landscape
that i've become used to
and wave my hand at a slow motion bird

the stars are all falling
and the moon is swallowed by darkness
it'll be over soon
i guess i'll sing quietly
while being blown by the black wind

if the world ended today
who would you want to see?
i'm waiting at the horizon