Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene...

Back at it again, it would seem. Somebody at the Fullerton station earlier recognized me and said "Hey, you're the computer guy, right?" I figured my first glimpse at celebrity status among the DePaulians would be worth a return to the dark world of the Bloggosphere. It actually isn't the first time somebody has recognized me, I've received countless nods and "hey I know you" looks from people over the last few months, but this was the first person to actually acknowledge it.

Things have been kind of rough lately. I'm actually doing alright with keeping up with planning and gradually working through the sound for Alex's animation, but my own capstone is so hilariously behind schedule it's amazing. There is no reason for this, neither Alex's project nor my other class are too overloaded to allow time for my own project, I just never seem to get around to it. This is mostly due to my own apathy and the fact that my lazy tendencies get reinforced further and further every quarter due to a number of school and non-school factors, but I've genuinely had too much to deal with on my mind lately, too. School in general is getting impossible to deal with, since I have come to view my program as entirely worthless, outside of a few classes with Dave and Lou, maybe one with Gary and two good gen-ed classes. The remaining classes I have to take are all going-through-the-motions bullshit kind of classes and I simply don't have the humor for them anymore.

My general number of friends has been gradually going down since sophomore year, and it's gotten to the point where I have maybe... seven or eight people I can call friends. I don't mean good, close friends, I mean friends in total (obviously not counting acquaintances and people I casually say "hello" to). Many of this small number I've been either losing touch with or just growing apart. A combination of occasional (by occasional I mean frequent) twangs of loneliness and my apparent inability to let go of some things has been bringing me down constantly as of late. There's a new dog at home, which I am not cool with for a number of reasons, and while you would think it is a small detail in life, it really makes me not want to be around there anymore. It doesn't help that my mom's cancer has seemingly returned in full-force and out of left field, and while we won't know the results of the biopsy until tomorrow, the general early idea is that it's stage 4 out of 5, 1 being "lol," 5 being "you're kind of fucked."

All of this has been weighing me down when I am on the verge of a huge shift in my life. I always approached the end of college as the end to a chapter of my life, and that I would then move on to the real world. It isn't going to be working out like that, exactly, since I have one or two more quarters left to complete, possibly another full year if I choose to try to throw in a minor in journalism or something. This means that the "chapter" of being in school will continue for a little while longer, but in a completely different way, since the aspect of school where I lived on campus with friends is ending, and the last year will be spent commuting and living at home with my parents in the suburbs, since the majority of my friends are moving on in just a few weeks.

This is tough for a few reasons. First off there is the nagging knowledge that my friends are leaving and I may well never see some of them again, which is a fear I would have dealt with had things gone the way I had wanted them to. However I also now have to deal with the fact that when they are gone and in the real world, I will linger here, at this school and in this program I hate, without most of my friends to fall back on anymore when things get too hard to deal with (and lately, while I do not make a point of it, it has been something I have needed quite often).

Finally, I just don't think I can deal with living at home anymore. I have become attached to this city and the state of living here, and every time I go back to the suburbs, I feel something that can only be described as hatred for it. It's spread out, artificially laid-back, the buildings don't get higher than two stories, there is nothing around and nothing to do within walking distance of my house, there is no sound outside other than the wind. Maybe I'd dig this if I was three times my current age, but I'm 21 and this shit is not cool. The lack of my current friends only amplifies this feeling. I have a few old friends in the area, and while I truly and honestly consider these people to be my brothers, having my entire world be them, no longer having different groups and places to go to, is something that I am not going to mesh with very well. There are still going to be a few people I know at school, but I just won't get to see them much, since I'll be a commuter and I'll be constrained by train times and traffic and et cetera.

To be honest, I also just don't want to live with my family. Things have been rough for all of them lately, especially my mom and sister, and while it will probably do them good to have me around all the time again... I just don't want to be around it all the time. I'm the kind of person who needs to be around positive stuff, and while they're not going crazy and fighting all the time or anything, there is definitely an undertone of depression, cancer and general uneasiness I feel every time I am there. Even the one thing that has gone unchanged through the years, our dog Chance, has changed, now that there's a new young (and related, believe it or not) beagle in the house, and my old friend just doesn't act the same anymore now that his territory has been intruded upon by a new younger dog. I love my family, I just hate being at that house, being surrounded by all these things that make me feel all manner of... things I would rather not feel where I live.

There isn't much else going on, really. My entire world as of now is projects and class, this looming shift in life, and that's it, really. I hope the couple weeks of summer where people are still around will be enjoyable, but I'm already going to be missing half of that time since I'm going to Disney World with my family this summer... I almost want to call it off and just be around here for a few more days. I won't even be on summer vacation, come to think of it, since I'm going to be in a summer class and I'll be working, so the 9-5 grind will continue every day except my two-week break at the end of summer. I'm not entirely sure how I am going to survive without my friends around to be honest.

I filled out an Obama for America survey recently that they sent out to those who have donated. I am not 100% sure if I will go through with it, but I actually volunteered to travel to another state for a few days to help with campaigning. I thought it might be a nice temporary break from life and a slight change of pace. I'm gradually becoming aware of this bigger world around me and I have a growing urge to be a part of it.

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