Wednesday, July 30, 2008

if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisified

I refuse to accept "blogosphere" as a real word.


Things have been... hellishly slow. Hellish, since work has been just that, somehow getting more and more stressful every day, and slow, because nothing has actually happened in the last couple months of my life except going to work.

The time I'm not at work isn't too hot. I have nothing against the idea of living with my family, but it is downright horrible. I sit around for the five or so hours between getting home and going to bed, pacing around the house, watching TV for a minute and remembering I hate TV, playing PS3 but inevitably getting kicked off by family members wanting to use the TV, being hounded by everybody since I've been gone for so long. I can't even sleep in the damn place, since I wake up yelling in my own bed every fucking night (I am starting to wonder if this is due to bugs being on me when I'm asleep, since that happened a few times at the apt and at home too, maybe my brain has been conditioned to freak out and assume it's bugs since it's happened for real before? Why is this in parenthesis?). The alternative is the sofa downstairs, which doesn't work because of the dogs, the new one always wants to hop up which makes it impossible to sleep. I may relocate to a cot in the hallway tonight, since I can't deal with another night of little-to-no sleep.

Living with friends was better. Even if there was nothing going on, you were still essentially hanging out with friends, but permanently (though that feeling is based entirely on whether or not you learn to hate your friends upon moving in, which for the most part wasn't a problem, thankfully). I already didn't like living at home, but those four years away from that made all the things I hated about it even more apparent than they already were, so it's rather hard to come back to it again.

There is a video I'm doing for DePaul that I'm in the planning stages with, an introductory video for the (unfortunately named) Genius Squad, that would be shown to students and whatnot, and while it's cool that it's an "officialy" thing and could go on a resume, it's hard to necessarily enjoy, because it's really just work thrown onto the huge pile of work I already have. I've accomplished hardly anything else creative lately. That's not to say that I have nothing on my mind, though.

I have countless ideas in my head for things I want to do with both my little free time and my life. I've been thinking about my script from class a lot, and I've started writing down a story that's been brewing in my head since the third grade. I have a fairly solid idea for a short / music video I'd like to do, but I don't really have the means or the manpower to make it and have it be halfway decent. There are at least three ideas I have for animations, but I don't know if I will ever follow through with them, simply because I LOATHE the idea of spending a ton of time on an animation, only to get to spend a few days straight scanning them into a computer... you could call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose, but I know I don't have the patience for it. I've written a few movie reviews, though I doubt I'll ever post them anywhere. I have an idea for a comic I've been sitting on for years but I still lack the artistic anything to make it. There is something I've written a bit of that turned into a short story of sorts that I could probably run with.

I have tons of stuff swirling in my head at any given time. Almost nothing successfully gets down onto paper, though, because of work. Every time I wake up, ready to tackle the day and saying to myself "Today is the day I write at work all day," it is quickly smashed down by the increasing stress and workload that comes with my (three) IS jobs. I have a mounting student loan debt that I'll get to start paying soon enough, and I can't really get away with not working all the freaking time. The bulk of my now-graduated friends (I hadn't realized just how many there were to be honest) aren't working right now and are currently looking for their actual career jobs, spending the bulk of their time chilling / winding down from that college thing, and I get the feeling that in their position it's a little easier to stretch your arms out and flex those creative muscles. I envy them.

In the hardest of times, I've tended to have movie releases as my major checkpoints in time. If I'm currently looking forward to Big Movie, there is at least something at the end of the tunnel, some sense of the future. Without anything to look forward to, the day-to-day grind of life can start to seem hopeless and ultimately pointless, not building towards anything. That's the rut I've fallen into this summer. I go to work, hate it, go home for the night, hate it, try to sleep, can't, go to work... that pretty much sums up my existence as of late, and it's real hard to keep my eye on the ball, to focus on creative things and to try to map out the road to Pixar, when the day-to-day reality of your situation is something that could take the wind out of even something that is... really good at, uh, holding wind. Sail is too cliche.

If this were a movie, this is the point where our young hero would run away from home, going someplace new and immersing himself in it, leaving his past entirely behind him. It's a thought that is occurring to me more and more. I hate to be all LiveJournal-like, but I really can't take this anymore. Having your entire life being split two things, work and home, and hating both of them to the point where you feel slightly ill most of the time, is the kind of thing that is hard on a guy.

I'll see if I can get some cheery crap on here someday (for the three of you potentially reading this).

Update, 5:17pm. Checked my timesheet for the last pay period (the two weeks prior to this one) out of curiosity, since we now have to manually clock in and out, and noticed that it is VASTLY underpaying me for last week, and somehow for two weeks ago, too, even though this system was only put into motion last week... wtf. Also, I forgot my Zune at the desk, which is why I'm back here posting again, and will be why I'm missing the 5:40 train >_<

1 comment:

Alex said...

Hey jerk, post up movie reviews. And anything else in whatever stages they are in. Creative endeavors are a lot more easy and fun if you got people to support and encourage you. I think so anyways.

Also lol xchange. Where did you find that? I'll have to keep out of Japan.